5:33 PM

I love Thee, I love Thee well;
Through Paradise, perchance through Hell.
Ever close i would stay,!
A thousand years, a million, Nay!
Never shall I leave Thee Love.
Na e'en for stars far above.
Hark now Dawn's gray bell!
I Love Thee, lass. I Love Thee well.

11:59 PM

i will not kill myself, i could not bring myself to burden my family with the guilt of producing someone who's desire to die outweighed that of compassion for one's own family and the grief a suicide would cause. however, if for some divine reason i should be blown in front of an oncoming truck or a brand new tire on my car should inexplicably burst on the motorway or a slip in the kitchen should cause me to bang my head then i would welcome it. i would welcome the relief from this wretched existence i would not wish on anyone, i know my problems are trivial and pathetic in comparison to almost anyone passing me by on the street, they have debt, cancer, etc. but all these facts and figures are only cosmetic, aesthetic in their affect and redundant in their relevancy, the only real measure of life is surely satisfaction in one's own skin. there are many solution to emotional problems, solutions forced on you by others who can guarantee their affect and success but they are almost always variations on ignoring said problem, running away, not talking about it, drinking, smoking, anything. there are may not even be a real solution to life's problems. if you have a problem, then you must carry that indefinitely until you either forget about it, or it becomes solved via a definitive solution. right?

but i feel my situation is different in that there is no tangible reason for me to feel this way, I am no worse off that the average 20 years old, that have no physical afflictions but still i am in pain, my family are all with me but i am lonely and i have almost limitless potential yet in this, along with the reasons outlined above that precisely define my sense of despair and hopelessness. my problems have become so internalized and cyclical that i will never be free from them, i cannot feel some sense of satisfaction, some comfort in my life when it is this, superficially good, how will i cope when my life is burdened with the amalgamation of life's problems waiting to saddle me in the not too distant future.

6:09 AM

it happens today, a story from a friend. something i would like to share with world. i found that it is fun to be share with. how it starts definitely something we don't speak, and we would never know the ending. for sure, it is nobody's fault. *during this moment they are no longer together*

xx: jgn xsahur!
xy: ??
xx: jgn mkn roti je. mkn nasi tau
xy: xpyh la u nk amek berat. ta perlu simpati u pun
xx: mcm i bgtau u, i akn ambk taw psl u. sbb i xle lupakan u. u ske ke x, u xprlu smpati i pun, i ttp akn ambk tau pasal u.
xy: u yg tinggal kn i. pas2 u nk amek tau pasal i wape. u pg la jge **** u. lagipun i xrase nk puase arini.
xx: xslh utk i nk amek tau psl u, as a fren, even not as my bf. **** i, **** i la. u lain.
xy: time kasih bnyk2. i dh rmai kwn kot. N even kalo dh xde sp nk kwn ngn i pun. i xkn amek u jd kwn i. u ngn **** u leh pg bebhagie jek :)
xx: i xkesah u nk ckp ape. i tau u da bnci i. tp i akn ttp amek taw psl u.
xy: u. i ni syg u. so i mintak sngt u pg jauh2. sbb i xbuleh nk terime u dgn **** kesygn u tu. so i mintak sngt u pg jauh.
xx: ouh. xmungkin. sori to say lah.
xy: u taaw x. i smlm xleh tdo. i ingt arini buleh tido ngn aman lah kn. tp msg u ni tetybe wat i xde mud nk tdo. buleh blah x?
xx: ok. i akn blah. tp, i ttp akn amek tau psl u. nite. tc.
xy: knape u nk buat i cmni ha?....
xx: apa i buat? i xkn tngglkn u. tp u ssghnya xkn terime i if i ade ****
xy: u pilih **** dr pilih i. so mknenye u lg syg kn die dr i. no point lah. baik u bia jek i. tlg jgn wat i cmni. tlg.
xx: kn i pnh bgtau u. **** lain. u lain. truth is, i syg dua2. tp i tau u xle terime i as ur bf, if i ade ****. thats y i amek kptusan ni
xy: so keputusan tu mmbuktikan. u buleh idop tnpe i. dn xleh idop tnpe die. so please. bia i sendirik jek.
xx: klo betol i leh idop tnpe u. xde faedah nye i nk amek tau psl u lg. even i xdpt ksh syg u. ckop la klo i tau yg u alwys be oke.

it ends with a silence. who to blame? me? u? them? dont judge.

9:40 PM

Shut up and let me go
This hurts, I tell you so
For the last time you will kiss my lips
Now Shut up and let me go
Your jeans were once so clean
I bet you changed your wardrobe since we met

Now oh so easily your over me
Gone is love
It's you that ought to be holding me
I'm not containable
This turns up
it's not sustainable

I ain't freakin'
I ain't Fakin' this
I ain't freakin’
I ain't Fakin' this
I ain't freakin'
I ain't Fakin' this
Shut up and let me go

Shut up and let me go
This hurts, but I can't show
for the last time you had me in bits
Now Shut up and let me go!
For fear of leaving in regret
I changed this one when we first met

Now oh so easily your over me
Gone is love
It's me that ought to be moving on
You're not adorable
I was something unignorable.

I ain't freakin'
I ain't Fakin' this
I ain't freakin’
I ain't Fakin' this
I ain't freakin'
I ain't Fakin' this
Shut up and let me go

Oh love, hold this.

Shut up and let me go
This hurts, I told you so
For the last time you will kiss my lips
Now Shut up and let me go

3:26 AM

I am near the bus stop, rumbling along to work, staring at a poster for the local community college in which a number of students look really excited to be going to a community college, when something flies into my eye. I don’t know what it could be or how on earth it got there, as I am pretty sure that a gale force wind blustering through a closed car is a rare occurrence. Nevertheless, some foreign object is now perched quite obstinately upon my retina, and I was terrified it will soon begin eating its way through to your optic nerve if I don’t get it out as quickly as possible.

I begin viciously clawing at my eyeball, much to the horror of those sitting around me, who believe me to be one of those crazies who eat their own dandruff. Tears are now streaming uncontrollably, as well as a healthy amount of snot. I beg strangers for a tissue, but they just go on pretending to listen to their iPods while reading the newspaper.

Eventually I manage to scoop out the perpetrator – an insidious eyelash – along with a tiny vision-correcting miracle. My contact lens, stressed and traumatized from the events of minutes past, sits there pathetically on my finger. Wrinkled and disheveled, it grimaces up at me in pain. I grimace back, since I don’t have any solution on me at the moment and I know I am just going to have to shove that sucker right back into my eye without the help of any moisture whatsoever.

So my lens decides that, rather than join me on that little adventure, it will escape. And thus, a new quest begins. It hurls itself down to the ground, amidst a chorus of gasping and groaning from me. I quickly glance down at the disgusting floor of the bus stop, not wanting to even imagine the kind of bacteria and diseases and bodily fluids wafting around down there. But vision correction does not come cheap these days.

So I swallow my pride and begin digging around on the floor, sweeping my hand across the sticky surface with grandiose, epic gestures. You make contact with many objects that I’d like to never think about again. Was that fur? Is this a syringe? Keep groping, maybe I’ll stick myself with the antidote. I am not even close, of course, as the sheer invisibility of the thing makes it nearly impossible to ever detect again. It could very well have migrated to the other end of the bus stop and gotten off of the bus two stop ago, for all you know.

This is the most suck life moment ever, drop a contact lens. I am squinting like a pirate for the rest of the day.rotflol

2:50 AM

finally I decided to go out. Is been awhile I did not leave this door. But, I need to down with my sis. We started dressed up around 9 and leaved door at 2230. Yeah, quite! My sis will always take about 2 hours for makeup and all the stuffs. Then drove the car for few minutes and arrived the point. We, first actually decide to go for a live band near Bukit Bintang. But somehow, we don’t really want to be a jerk in this great Ramadan. So backup plan considered which headed us straight to the karaoke house. We checked in there around 2300 and ended all the singing at 0300. Well cannot say much but I’m so not satisfied with the service. Come on, the microphones are like a cucumber and the screen are so poor. What else, didn’t mean to bother but customer always right. Suddenly, my cells phone rings and guess what my friend calling just to says that they are in a middle of a party which totally pissing me off. How jealous was that. Gosh! But that never spoil my mood of karaoke-ing. Then few other friends came and joined us. We got 10 head in that not so big VIP room. It was fun, with the whole gangs and liquor. Perfect actually. No no no, I didn’t drinks beers! that is forbidden for me.

9:32 PM

I HATE how you almost never smile. You CAN do much better you know. It isn't a crime and it is healthy.
I HATE how you interrupt me when I'm reading a book. You may have won a million dollars, but you know what, its not worth disturbing my reading time. I am not even kidding.
I HATE how you stand tongue-tied when you meet my friends. You CAN speak to them, you know. I won't sue you for that. They already think I'm stuck with this grim-faced monster who barely speaks two sentences a day. No offence.
I HATE how you snigger at my favourite football team. Supporting YOUR favourite football team is great, but you do NOT have any business ridiculing mine.
I HATE how you never pick my calls. For God's sake, PICK UP YOUR CELL!!!! You can't always have a meeting whenever I call. Seriously, that excuse is getting stale.
I HATE how distant you seem. Do NOT act all formal when I meet you. It makes me feel like an alien who has mistakenly landed on the Earth.!!!
I HATE how you push my favourite films to the corner. You do NOT have the permission to 're-arrange' the DVD shelf, putting your favourite lousy films on top and pushing all of my classics to the bottom which I end up searching in vain for hours together.
I HATE your fashion sense or the lack of it.The next time you pick a shirt, please DON'T buy it for your bald boss! Yes, that's how they look, though you carry them off quite well.
I HATE how you are unwilling to accept my superiority. Admit that I know MORE about cricket than you do. Seriously, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Quite frankly, there are worser things you know.
I HATE how practical you are. When I get sad and cry, you just sitting there and doing nothing. I want sympathy from you and you must say I love you and relieve my worries with soothing words.

p/s; currently i'm so addicted to this new series from ABC.

6:25 AM

Firstly I would like to apologize for my silence. Not much can be explain. Ive been busy with sorta things. And finally all disappeared and am so relieved.


So far, in these few months I’ve finished my internship successfully at Ampang Hospital (3months) also finished my final presentation entitled idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (A type of disease) and yet waiting for my diploma to ended.


Taken by HAA. Im happy so far.


Life just gets better these days compared to before. Enjoying every single moment I would. Somehow, am still looking for a part time job.