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11:59 PM 
i will not kill myself, i could not bring myself to burden my family with the guilt of producing someone who's desire to die outweighed that of compassion for one's own family and the grief a suicide would cause. however, if for some divine reason i should be blown in front of an oncoming truck or a brand new tire on my car should inexplicably burst on the motorway or a slip in the kitchen should cause me to bang my head then i would welcome it. i would welcome the relief from this wretched existence i would not wish on anyone, i know my problems are trivial and pathetic in comparison to almost anyone passing me by on the street, they have debt, cancer, etc. but all these facts and figures are only cosmetic, aesthetic in their affect and redundant in their relevancy, the only real measure of life is surely satisfaction in one's own skin. there are many solution to emotional problems, solutions forced on you by others who can guarantee their affect and success but they are almost always variations on ignoring said problem, running away, not talking about it, drinking, smoking, anything. there are may not even be a real solution to life's problems. if you have a problem, then you must carry that indefinitely until you either forget about it, or it becomes solved via a definitive solution. right? but i feel my situation is different in that there is no tangible reason for me to feel this way, I am no worse off that the average 20 years old, that have no physical afflictions but still i am in pain, my family are all with me but i am lonely and i have almost limitless potential yet in this, along with the reasons outlined above that precisely define my sense of despair and hopelessness. my problems have become so internalized and cyclical that i will never be free from them, i cannot feel some sense of satisfaction, some comfort in my life when it is this, superficially good, how will i cope when my life is burdened with the amalgamation of life's problems waiting to saddle me in the not too distant future. |
 I’m coherent, but hard to understand. Stable, and yet off the wall. I laugh. I cry. I smile. I scream. I feel pain. I feel joy. I am unique, but not that different. I have a good head on my shoulders, but you may not understand my logic. I ask questions for curiosity and try not to fear the answers. I keep learning, trying new things, living life instead of just surviving. I love and am loved. January 2009 March 2009 April 2009 September 2009 October 2009 January 2010 February 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 March 2012 ShoutMix chat widget |